today in the office i heard the sports editor make plans with his girlfriend...

brett and i used to make plans.

gosh im gettin so depressed again...

As if life wasn't any stressful as it is, i know i should very oh so very happy..

....the editor i was working with for Flipside, he quit.
So today I was announced as the new Flipside Editor (Features)

It's pretty cool to know that i've made it so far up in just a few months, proving those who didint think i was going to make it, that i might just do it.

this is really stressful for me, because there's so much responsibility that comes with it. so so much.
the other editors, who have WAY more experience than i do, said they would help me with anything, which is really nice to know...
even britanny, who is a really good writer and was just promoted to asst editor to arts and entertainment. said she was willing to help me...idk.

we'll see how it goes....

brett isnt really talking to me. i havent seen him since class let out, and i mean i was happy that i didnt wanna talk to him, it hurts....



ough.. its so nerve-racking...
from trying to get things to work out things at school and pass my classes...
to try to help my parents understand that its not going to be so easy for me to manage all things and be home as early as before...
to try to make things work with a guy that doesnt even look at me...



i just wish it would be easier.
sight....

things will be okay.
life tends to work things out in a funny way...

When you think that everything is going to be okay and it just goes bad.

Brett and I broke up.
He said it's not over, we're just starting over as friends.


But honestly he can go to hell for all i care.


He even wants me to meet Clare (topless lady).

I hated the idea, but i just messaged her. It's my attempt to show him that i want to be with him. It's going to hurt, it already does. I'm trying not to blame myself. Though I know it is....


When he told me this is what he wanted he asked me to say something and all I was able to say was "whatever makes you happy, brett"
he even realized that maybe we were going too fast.

i txt him afterwards saying, "this is why i don't open up to people, you tell them something extremely personal and all they do is walk away in the end"

and wtf. he calls and he says that email was too vague. and that he wished i had told him before all the drama started.
...oh yea, because it's that easy for me to just talk about something like that.. whatever.

i couldn't look at him. i couldn't be near him. for all i care he can eat shit and die.
I don't know.
I hate him, but it's my fault.


I want things to work out for the best, i really do.
I told him something extremely personal and he just ended up walking away.


But what can I do. Shit happens.
I'll meet Clare myself. It'll be easier.
We'll wait and see if she replies.


Whatever happens happens. I've been through worse...



( Clare's Message )



It's depressing to know that I can be better with a guy when I'm their friend than when I like them.
It happened with Eric
It happened with Christian
It's happening with Brett.....



We were the cutest couple
We were the happiest couple
We were 'perfect' for each other
We are not longer together.


It's funny how things happen.

i don't what the outcome of this relationship is going to be.

for him to tell me that he was emotionally withdrawing isn't going to make it any better, it just makes it worse to that he won't love me like he used to.

it's as if that love letter he wrote to me when we just started dating doesn't mean anything anymore...it completely lost its meaning.
that last line 'i have fallen in love with you" doesn't freaking exists.


we've only dated a month and he already said that he doesn't know how much longer he can take this.

I haven't slept so late in a very long time.

I don't know what's going to happen between us, I just hope it's for the best. Right now I want to work it out, but i don't know.. we'll just see what will happen next...


This is what we talked about:

( Read more )
( Read more )


& he didn't say he loved me when he logged off.....

Okay, so a lot has happened since the last time I actually wrote here.
I think my last entry was about how retarded I am for wanting to leave such a sweet guy.

But here's the dealio.

Now i really think that I'm not ready to date.. at least emotionally.
I can't stand the whole photo thing and as much as i try to get over it, of course its not that freaking easy.
The whole trust issue really pissed me off the day after we talked about it and I had already emailed him telling him how I freakin felt for god's sake.
But it seemed like he was questioning how i felt, which bugged me even more.

Things seemed okay for a bit.

But then spring break happened. I really thought this would be a time to try to figure out what i want with him and whatnot.
I saw him yesterday. We hung out and whatnot, but then it happened again. We had our little "moment."

Thats the one thing i hoped wouldn't happen. I dont like the "moments" and the arguments and all the shit in between.

I dealt with it for 2 years and i think im done with it. That's why i take it so hard now.
My only escape from drama those two years was breaking up. I don't want to do it now, because I would be making a huge mistake.

But I've really thought about it and i really really think that Im not ready.

I first need to get over what *Fred made me go through in order to be able to calmly deal with this guy.
I was emotionally really freaking hurt and now goin through it again, is a total bitch.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to make him feel bad when we have our moment either, I just want us to be happy. LIke we were when we just started dating.
I want to be able to look at him in the eyes and be able to tell that he loves me rather than second guess him.

I want "happy bubble" back.

It's not going to be the same and I know it.



Last night while tryin to figure out what to do with Mr. B, I was talking to *Fred.
His smart butt said that he was there for me and wanted to know what was happening. I knew that tellin him about brett wasnt going to be a good idea, but he insisted.

And I told him. By then end of the conversation, it was set to be that we weren't going to talk to each other anymore.

It's like everything just fell apart in one night.

From not knowing what to do with Mr. B to losing Fred's friendship again.
Holy fucking crap.
I just know that things with me and brett wont be the same and to know that i lost eric again, because i think that its best not to talk to each other until he moves on, it's just a freaking bitch.

I don't know what to do with brett. I want to take some time off to try to figure shit out. Because I feel that I'm not emotionally ready.




Nothing seems to be going right at the moment. I hate when shit like this happens.

Ugh...
Blah...
akjghajerth#(^*%#(*%0*&)*%aghpauihaiphabne....



This week was horrendous.
The worse one of the year. Freaking relationships. Freaking drama. Freaking school work. ugh.

Just 2 more days till the end of this week. Just 2 more days.

One thing I gotta say though,


So much for 'she was too Christian to do anything'...such a great way to find out.






Fuck. Jealousy is a bitch.
Today is our one month anniversary. I hung out with Laura and Diana. Saw Fred for a few minutes too. You guys hate me for it. But whatever. It's been a crappy week anyway.

..I never really saw myself past 19 anyway.
I'll probably be dead or in a crazy house by the end of the year.
It was good to know you all, anyway.

I create my own issues. That's the kind of retard I am. I can't even date a nice guy because that's how paranoid I am. I'm really fucked up mentally. What's wrong with me?


Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

in letters to lovers....

http://community.livejournal.com/letterstolovers/3020100.html


and love exists....

http://community.livejournal.com/l_o_v_e_exists/254320.html


hope you guys had a good friday.

so the other night eric called.
i was talking to brett and so i told eric i would call him back.

talking to him has been pretty horrible since i told him about brett.

that night he said it would be the last time he was going to call and he even deleted me from ms. idk. he even said i would never see him again. because there was no point for him to drive to pcc....
i mean, i'm happy with brett. but eric meant a lot too.

i see brett's ex leaving him comments and it gets me jealous for 2 reasons:
they still talk,
and they have the friendship i wished i had with him (me and eric)..

like laura said. he's probably jealous and he needs time. which i understand because if he had done that to me, i would have been pretty angered. but idk...
it just hurts..


anyway.
there's no class on tuesday. so brett and i had to make plans.
we had talked about going swimming (he has a pool in his house) or the aquarium of the pacific.

i chose the aquarium, but then i looked at the website and the tix are 21/person!
i really honestly think that's too much, but when i told brett, he said he had already bought the tix online.
... and i was speech less....


i didn't know what to say. but i do know that i can't wait!

because i'm just really THAT happy.


http://community.livejournal.com/l_o_v_e_exists/253656.html

I should be doing homework..but i had to write about today.

So after a week of knowing him and hanging out together WAY to much, we decided to make it a date.

It was planned to go eat or have a picnic on monday but due to certain reasons, we couldn't do it. And he didn't seem very happy, which made me feel horrible.

So we postponed it for today. I was really busy and i still think that i shouldnt have gone because of the workload, but i did the right thing because i'm happy.

i thought we were goin to eat somewhere and go back to school. but he drove us to the grocery store and bought bacon, lettuce and tomatoes, because he wanted to cook blt's for us. then we headed to his house.

it was really nice. and he looked nice too. the "ideal" look for me. the vans t-shirt, the levi's jean, and the beat up vans shoes. he looked nice. & he skates!

we would just look at each other in the eyes and smile, just like we did the first time we met. always talked and smiled and made sarcastic comments.

he taught me how to make my sandwich and what blt meant (bacon lettuce and tomatoes - duh!). i felt really stupid at times, but then he made me feel okay.

on our way back we talked, laughed and when we got back we shared the view of the school's football field from the parking lot.
we were comforting each other since our family didnt do anything special for our birthdays. and that's the first time we walked and while hugging each other. like close friends or couples do.
we talked about how fun the last week has been, spending time with each other and whatnot. And he smiled, saying that he was just remembering. and we made plans for future hang outs.

we stayed for a bit by the stairs and talked some more. i had butterflies in my tummy because i was so nervous and we were sitting really close to each other.
and i wanted to tell him i liked him but i was scared of never talkin to him again.

as we walked to class
i asked him what was one thing he disliked about himself and he answered. then he asked me (though i must admit, i kinda, sorta, in a way did it on purpose, hoping he would ask). i replied that i didnt like how i just tell people how i feel. if i hate you i tell you if you bother me i tell you...and if i like you i'll tell you (even writing down how it happened makes me smile), even though sometimes it may be too soon and i have ruined a good friendship.


and that's when he said it. [hehe, it worked!]

Him: "Do you want to consider this our first date?"
Me: "Yeah"
(we looked at each other and smiled. then he held my hand)

and i told him i liked him and he said he liked me too. (and he said it sounded cheesy..but i kinda like cheesy!)

we held hands till we got there and then that was that.
thinkin about it makes me smile.

he got friday off...so we're going on another date.
this time to the movies. because i've only been to 3 times. he thinks we should go more often.

and i think i found someone who might just make me happy.
who's considerate and most likely won't treat me like shit.



i just hope he's not a lying asshole in the end. because right now he's doing a great job at being my date.

Hey there Heartlanders!

Well with the best xmas gift ive gotten since i was born (this mac laptop) i think ill be able to catch up with you guys almost everyday even if i dont get a chance to call you.

I just need to know how to do the whole msn messenger stuff and what not.. or whatever you guys use to keep in touch with one another. Im not quiet sure when ill be able to start using messenger since i am havin some technical difficulties with the mac... but im going to the apple store on the 26th. Other than that, as of now i have some internet access depending if the wireless service connects.. But photo booth is the shinnanigan. I love it a lot... like we all do.

there was an image i was tryin to upload but its goin very slow and i dont think it's goin to work.. so maybe next time..

okee heartlanders... keep in touch.

Have a merry xmas and happy holidays.

Love you all... (even if you think that i dont)

-Me!

it has been some time and hi! everyone...


i was looking into my memories and i still have that love exists picture...

all i gotta say now is that love exists when after trying so hard to work things out and seeing that sometimes the best thing to do is to not call...

... and when you least expected you meet this guy over and over again without even noticing and then... click. you notice his txt messages make you smile and the fact that HE walks YOU makes you happier....



so ya, single heartlanders... love exists.
though he may not be the one... right now im happy.

i deleted my myspace...no more myspace drama for me.

weekend was blah.
everyone was sick.
mom, me, neighbors baby.

i was so sick and had nothin to do so i made up my
"FUNERAL GUEST LIST"

This are the ppl invited:

Laura
Diana
Joanna/Erix
Eric
Johnny
Byron
Lulu
Ever
Zeth
Michelle
Nelson
Hearin
Dj
Carl
Ashley
Anna
Natalie
Cynthia
Mike
Hannah
Maya
Lila/William
Esmeralda
Amanda
Esmeralda
Edward
Jackie
Bryan
Jose O
Jessica
Hovanness
Sazo
Beaner
Adrian
Danilo
Misa
Phoebe
Edwin
Herach
Natalia
Camille
Sonoi
Ramiro
Debrah/Roger
Derek
Anthony
Chistine [pasadena]
Alex [pasadena]
Armine
Kerol/Jerry
Rodolfo
Sandy
Jorge
Annette
Emily
Carlos
Osvaldo
Ebbie
Eliot and her bf
Vicenta
Adolfo
Byron
Tiffany
Penut

& More TBI (to be invited)

also:
Gladys [cheremoya]
Shue
Kinsella
Fox
Smith
Kantor


PEOPLE I DONT WANT TO SEE THERE:
Betsy
Josh [because there are no kids allowed]
Elda
Zoie
Osvaldos sister


.... And there will be music and special guests.


And yeah.
Today the candy sale started and i sold one box from nutrition to lunch.
I'M ON MY SECOND ONE!

i'm THAT coool!

so i just hope that i can sell 10 boxes ASAP. but who knows.

eric and i celebrated yesterday.

he came and i got him this shirt:


except that the shirt that i got him said "The Valley" and it was earth green instead of blue.
i didnt know if he would like it and yeah he did.
he wore it right away.

and he got me a heart (like those you put on a cat)
that said:
"I LOVE YOU KAREN YOURS, ERIC"

it was sweet.
hopefully i see him tomorrow.

i'm going to be here until 730-800 and he'll be here with me.

...but then there's laura.
oh-oh! i forgot.
=/
[just kidding!]

yeah... this time it seems to be pretty serious.
idk what happened.
i was pms-ing, which i now call "Pardon My Spupidity".
but yeah

saturday i called him and asked him if he was comin this week and he said no, for what and i said i was just askin and he said no, that he was going to work the whole week from 9-6.

and so i called 1/2 an hour later after rehearsin what i was goin to say and i called back.

i asked, " remember how i said that i didnt like how you're always being fucked up"
he replied, "uh-hu"
i said, "well............
and there are parts to which i blanked out. and i dont remember what i said. but i do know that i said " cant stand how fucked up you can be and you wanted me to be mature and turn 18 so my first decision as a mature 18 year old is that i dont want to be with you anymore... have fun torturing the next girl"
and i hung up.


at first i was proud-ish. like a weight was liftesd off my shoulder... (get it... a weight... thats mean)

but then monday everything changed.
i went on myspace to see if things had changed ... and they did.
he deleted all the pics of me and changed his status and deleted the quote that says, "I AM HAPPY WITH HER AND I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY WITH ME" and he also deleted his top friends (there're only 8 now) and i'm #7. so i did the same. i even deleted my layout b/c its a whale and the whole whale thing....

i cried a little when i saw that.
and later on i poured my heart out for 20 min. because i thought i made the worst mistake ever.

things are weird now.
i want to get back, but then i dont.
i love him, and i hate the fact that i hurt him with this, but he hurt me a lot too.

i love him.
and im sorry i hurt him
and i just hope that he can come and fight for this.
make things work ... 9 months thrown away in anger.

(by the way: johnny got me my in n out gift card)

start shopping for my gift people!

jk

i'll be turning 18.

but you can start calling me LEGALLY BLONDE now.lol

i dont mind.lol